I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
I forgot to tell you about my 7:30am Sunday morning run to the local convenience store to buy condoms, a du-rag and a shot glass
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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