I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
