She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
At what point did we cease to have vaginas?
Sometime in the sweat pants phase freshman year.
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
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