I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I am spending my work day planning my weekend drinking schedule
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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