i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
He said he doesnt believe in the female orgasm,so no I did not have sex with him.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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