Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Randomize
