I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
We celebrated Cinco the right way. We took shots of 1800 then he fucked me while Selena was on TV in the background
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Randomize
