The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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