u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
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