John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
Sorry we're taking so long, this weed cake tastes amazing with Tabasco sauce on it.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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