I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Randomize