thus making me awesome and them whores
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
