i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
