True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
