A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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