i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
