In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
Randomize
