...so i touched it.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
Randomize