It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Randomize
