We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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