my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
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