Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Randomize
