i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
