And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
Randomize
