By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
