If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
