If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize