i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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