she told me that she was curious about how cum tasted. of course i left you.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
