My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
