I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
I'm disgusted with myself. I feel like I need 10 boxes of Summer's Eve and a baptism.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
