I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
