Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
