I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
