1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize