I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize