does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Too much gin, very little bucket
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
Positive reviews on angieslist?
Randomize
