If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Day 10 and still no sign of rescue in my pants.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
