Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
The first guy I ever sexted is having a baby.. Is this what adulthood feels like?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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