I am puke
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
