No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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