every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
his mom and i are swapping prescript pills..totally mother in law material.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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