i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Randomize
