im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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