Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
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