you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize