Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
U offered to motor boat her and it somehow turned into u two going on a sunset cruise in Newport. At 3am.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Randomize
