one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
nutella sex= disaster
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
WHAT THE FUCK. SUCH A BAD IDEA. YOU'RE NO LONGER IN CHARGE OF NOSE SUBSTANCES.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
