Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
