mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
