turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Randomize
