I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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