dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
tell me you did not just describe yourself as "hot and bothered"
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
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