Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
