is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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