my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
I decided it might be a good time to stop when he requested I "bring that pussy over here"
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
