the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
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