I'll bet she douches with gravy.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
Randomize
